All these notes and all these words, Are all that's left in me...

After all I have been through, it takes a lot for me to trust someone. If somehow you break through that barrier, and I feel I can trust you, that means something. If you have made it to that point, I ask you to be completely honest with me. I ask if anything changes in the relationship we have built, I ask you to let me know. I am now 31, I don't have time or patience for high school games. This doesn't just go for romantic based relationships, this also applies to basic friendship. Regardless of how you are in my life, there is only one thing I expect from you and in return I would do the same for you. If by chance you break that, I have lost all respect for you and no longer want you as a part of my life. If by chance you think that you deserve a second chance, for me to even consider that would require you to physically move mountains. I don't know about you, but I don't think it's possible.

I meet people everyday, very few I consider people that I actually want to be around. People that I even want to take the time to have a conversation with. How did I get this way? Let's see, the first guy I ever dated was amazing. At first, then when he had me under his spell, turned into a monster. I couldn't have my own friends, I was "cheating" on him, I wasn't even allowed to watch TV alone. When we'd go out, he start a fight with some random guy in a bar that "I had been flirting with all night" who honestly, I wasn't even aware was in the same room. One night he even broke a beer bottle over my head, going after some random stranger, he thought I was flirting with. Just thinking about is making me tear up. He watched the webcams at my work, accused me of "hooking up" when I was off camera. One day, I even found a folder on our computer, of screen shots he had been taking of me at work, when it was actually two other coworkers. Due to us all having blonde hair at the time, the grainy footage made it hard for him to tell us apart.

When I finally built up the strength to leave, I had to file a restraining order, just so the police would be at my house to protect me. But, who was to protect me when they sent me into my house alone to confront him? When the day finally rolled around for me to go to court to plead my case, for the judge to formally issue the restraining order, I had text messages, emails, all printed out. I had bruises, but yet, none of this was considered enough evidence to issue me a restraining order. Even though it turned out to be a registered sex offender. Again, who was supposed to protect me? This was a man who also when we broke up once before, camped out in front of my parents home. I still have an Aunt who asks me where he is every time she sees me. She isn't aware that we are no longer together and always asks me to tell him that she misses him.

The man after him, who begged me to marry him, moved 6,000 miles away for his new flashy job with the Department of Defense. In one week I had a plethora of girls message me on every possible social media outlet, including linkedin. Tell me that they had been "dating" him and all these other stories more than I needed or wanted to know. I then had a guy dump me, his reason was because I cut my hair. Really? I understand that I have some serious trust issues. I have many reasons to be the way I am. I do hope to find that special man one day, who can fix the broken pieces. For now, I feel like I am surrounded by broken shards of glass and I am afraid to step out, in fear of being cut. I know I am not the only one who has been in this type of situation, but for those of you who are still in a relationship and don't know how to escape, I am here for you. So are many others.

Forever and ALMOST Always

So, I have a group of regulars who come into my work occasionally. One is a taller goofy guy who always asks ridiculous questions. On Halloween, he looked at me and said, "on a rainy day, would you be at home on the couch watching The Notebook?" I immediately though to myself, "would I be restrained to the couch?" I laughed and said no. The table chuckled at my answer, and I explained, how I don't really believe in romance and I suck at dating. 

As the day went by, my friend who I always call Farmer Mike, (due to his outrageous amount of flannel shirts) showed up to hang out for a bit. We talked about our (lack of) love lives. I mentioned my earlier lunch time conversation. He laughed and asked why anyone would think I would waste time watching The Notebook! Especially when my favorite Christmas Movie is Die Hard. I laughed, and rolled my eyes, but as the night went on I realized something. My favorite Christmas movies is indeed Die Hard, and the only romance movies I like have Audrey Hepburn. I own Simply Irresistible only because it has Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a chef who owns her own restaurant! 

The remainder of my night I replayed the last few dates, I have been on. Some of been great guys, others.. Yea the others Captains of the SS Douche Canoe! Then again, my heart being broken just six months ago has me jaded. I was dating someone who always said things that made me believe that we had a future. You know the smooth talker who always says things that pull those non existent heart strings. Those things you want to hear, just so they can see your eye twinkle, and know it's only some sick joke.

Last November, I thought I had met Prince Charming. I started having doubt when he kept saying "eventually when you move in." Because, from my previous experience, that was the kiss of death. We were always together, doing something. Then one day promises were being broken, other things were more important, and he just started acting weird. Then I hear those daunting words, "can I ask you a question?" followed by "do you think we are drifting apart?"

Then weeks later "Trust me when I say this, I will NEVER find anyone as good as you, or better and you will NEVER find anyone as good as me or better" And you know what? He was right, only have right, but right! He will never find someone as good as me or better, but I will find someone better than he!

I don't expect some crazy love story, there is no Prince who is going to sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to his castle. I wouldn't want that. I am a simple girl. I don't expect you to show up at my door with a bouquet of expensive flowers. There are some days when things are looking down, where that would be nice. I am sure the guy who is going to mend all those pieces is out there. When all of this went down, I met what I still say is my Guardian  Angel. 

I was outside of the Epicentre one night after work, I was texting with another regular about all that was going on. I was a huge mess. A man walked up to me eating pizza. He stopped and said, "He's not worth your tears. If he were, he'd be with you." At that point when he stopped me, I wasn't crying or upset. I was laughing at the text I had just received, sent to make me laugh. However, once this man started speaking, I was no longer able to hold it together and broke down in tears. Everything this stranger was saying was true. I had never seen this man before, he had no idea what I was going through. He had no idea that earlier that day I begged for a sign to tell me what I should do. 

This man continued to speak to me, to the point where I became a babbling idiot. If you know me, it takes a lot for me to show emotion, especially to a stranger. I will never forget seeing a tall, lanky, man in a suit walk by and look at me like I was crazy. I kept listening to the man preach to me. He told me "the man you are meant to be with is currently looking for you, he knows you are out there and wants more than anything to find you. He will put you on the pedestal you deserve to be placed on" He then paused and asked me my name. When I told him, he said.. "Amber, I am homeless, I don't know where I am going to sleep tonight, I have no idea when I will be able to take a shower next, but I was sent here to deliver this message to you. I am the sign you were asking for"

I had never felt my heart drop that quickly before. I dug in my purse for any cash I could find and handed him $10. The man thanked me and told me to remember what we had spoke about. A few minutes later, the lanky man came back to check on me. He said he became worried about me and turned back to check on me when he saw me crying on the street alone. I told him, I wasn't alone, I had a man speaking to me. The look that was quickly painted onto his face, I will never forget. He grabbed my arm and asked me if I had been drinking, I told him I had just left work and was waiting on a friend to pick me up. He told me again, that I had been alone when he saw me crying, that it had worried him and that was the reason he returned. 

I am not a religious person, nor have I ever been and probably never will be. However, that night, even if I imagined it, I still get chills when I think about it. The more I think about it, it's not that I suck at dating, make bad decisions, it's just my way of being cautious... Everything will fall into place when it's time.