I was published!!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/amber-helms/2016/12/you-will-remember-me/

Why Do Women Have Orgasms. by iflscience.com

http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/why-do-women-have-orgasms/page-2/

As Days Go By

Sometimes the days seem so long and others so short. Sometimes yesterday feels like such a distant memory and the past doesn't seem real. It seems like only a figment of my imagination. A story my mind made up. Yet, the scars prove the reality of the torture and torment. The dreams cause me to relive, everything I've endured. Dreams that seems so real, that I cannot wake from. A grip so hard it feels so real. Such a reality, I wonder how I have survived this long. Not a day goes by that a memory doesn't materialize. A sadness overcomes and I feel useless and tired. Worn down and overwhelmed. Some days, ending it, seems so easy. It seems like a reasonable answer. I once heard that if you end your life before its time, you are reborn into the same life until you live it correctly. I think, that's what kept me

Here so long. What's kept my feet on the ground. What has kept me from learning to fly. I feel as life should be easier. The days should be easier. Yet, it's not. It's weird how easy it is to forget someone's face who you knew your entire life once they've passed. However, you cannot forget the pain you've been in. 

I wanna rock your gypsy soul

I need to move around a bit. To shuffle my surroundings. To wake up in cities I don’t know my way around and have conversations in languages I cannot entirely comprehend. There is always this tremendous longing in my heart to be lost, to be someplace else, to be far far away from all of this. - Beau Taplin 

I am quite the lucky lady. I have the best friends, a girl could ever ask for. I live in an amazing city, in a great state. Well, minus the politics. I may not have a traditional family, I believe family is who you allow in your life. Who you choose. Growing up in a safe neighborhood, with a tire swing and being able to live. As I am getting older, I realize there is a big world out there, great places that I want to experience, new faces I want to meet. I grew up so shy, I wouldn't do anything. I didn't talk to people, I barely made friends. It took some time to get over that. Now, I want to meet everyone I can. I want to get out there an experience life. I want to pack my bags, grab my dog and hit the road. I want to write about these places and these people. Write about my gypsy life. 

I recently found the above quote from Beau Taplin, it said everything I have always felt, everything I had ever wanted to say. However, others don't seem to understand my way of life. Don't understand, that I need to be free. That I need to wash away my past and start a new life. They don't understand that I am not running away from anything. That no matter where I am, I will always be there for them. In my mind, if we speak at least once a week, you are my friend. You are a part of my life, you have the type of soul that has the right type of fire, even though they may not see it. 

As I am writing this, my eyes are once again tearing up. Not because, I am sad, but because others hate me for the way I feel. It's always discouraged me to change things up. Luckily, those people haven't gone through the same things in life that I have. Haven't dealt with the same anxiety or depression. Anytime I mention wanting to get out, I receive horrible backlash. I never said I hated home. I never said I hated Charlotte. How could you possibly tell someone, who has the Queen City Crown tattooed on their rib, by their heart that they hate Charlotte. It's not like I am saying I am leaving for good. One thing about traveling is, you can always come home. 

So, for those of you who have a problem with my plan, doesn't have to join me, or visit me. You can stay here, where you can live your life however you please. However, judging my choices, will not get you any where. Here's to life, love and the journey.

A memo for today..

Realizing how much pain I am currently in, that has something to do with things that happened in my life 6 years ago. I feel as I should once again, speak out on abuse. If you are ever in a relationship, where you are abused in anyway shape or form, please seek the help you need to leave. You CAN make it on your own, you do NOT need your abuser to survive. Regardless of what they tell you, the gifts you receive. They will trick and brainwash you to stay. The pain doesn't end when you leave, it stays with you for life. This week, I cannot walk, stand, sit, move in any way, without being in excruciating pain. Throughout the day, I cannot decide if I want to cry, or vomit. Because, I was convinced to stay. Convinced that no one else would want me. That I was worthless, ugly, etc. I now, have a daily reminder of what I've been through. A reminder why, no matter how hard I try, I cannot trust. I cannot make a relationship work. My abuser didn't only take my youth, but dented my future as well. If you are being abused, please speak up, call me, call the police, get up and leave. I will happily do what I can to help you. Trust me, after one time, it's not worth any apology, any gift they can give you. Leave, don't look back! You are worth so much, there is someone out there for you, who will treat you as you should. Trust me. I wish I had someone who was there to tell me these things. Rather, I was told "you're lucky someone wants to be with someone like you" so, I stayed. I'm still paying for it.

Now You're Just Somebody That I Used To Know

I am one of those weirdos that have only been in TWO relationships. The first was just some asshole who I ran away with just to escape my mother. Who didn't think that was going to be a horrible idea? Even I knew it was stupid, but yet, I still moved in with the moron after four whole months. We had a quaint little house out in Stallings, North Carolina. If you don't know where that is, don't feel bad, it's even confused about where it is. That story you can read in previous blog posts. However, I thought things had changed once I met my most recent ex. He seemed like a good guy. We both swept right on each other, you know a match made in heaven. Sorry, I almost spit my coffee out when I re read that. We messaged back and forth, finally exchanged numbers. One night I had plans to go out with a group of friends, which I had told this guy. Lets refer to him as... Frodo. Frodo, asked what the plan was for the evening. I told him we would do one of two things.... Either go to Montford, or start off at a bar uptown and head to NoDa. We ended up going to Montford, and I  informed Frodo of our plans. He then told me, if by chance we end up in NoDa to let him know, and he'd meet us out and buy me a drink. Which I agreed.

The night goes on and I once again inform Frodo that I will be staying in the Montford area. We didn't speak the rest of the night. I get home after two AM, and I have a novel of messages from Frodo. Pretty much a drunken banter of how I stood him up and how he opened himself up to meet someone in his neighborhood. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I don't think I even responded. However, I do have the entire thread in my email from the moment we started talking due to some of the context of our conversations. Mainly since he was dating someone when we first met, and he had to tell her about me. Anyways, the next day, I went to the bar my brother and a few of my friends worked to have lunch and a few drinks to tie over the pending hangover. He messages me apologizing and inviting me to lunch that wednesday, which I agreed to. Lunch wasn't bad, we met at a local brewery and talked over flatbread pizza. We had already realized we had a lot of common interest, some he tried later on down the road as his own. Which I corrected really quick. He then invited me on a REAL first date. Which, I wasn't aware of until the day of the date. I found odd, it was almost, like he spoke to my friends and asked them what my favorite restaurant was, and what I would love to do.

So, he picks me up. Once I get in the car, he tells me... I am taking you to something, I think you'd really like, plus, I hope you like mexican! Umm yea, I own a shirt that says, HOLY SHIT, I LOVE TACOS! We start driving and I immediately ask, where we are going and name my favorite place. He says yes. I then say, there is a Big Mama's Show in the area. He says, yea, that's where we are going. In my mind, I am doing a little happy dance and thinking Holy Fuck, this guy my actually get me. At the time I didn't think that it seemed weird, due to the excitement. We finish up dinner and head next door. I am sitting on a stool by the bar and he says, We need a picture together, you know, to see how we look together. He then asks a stranger to take a photo of us. Not at bad photo, however, we weren't really posed for it. After awhile, I tell him this has always been a dream of mine, do perform burlesque. He tells me I should do it, that I am hotter than half the women there. In my mind I am thinking this guy is pretty nifty. I excuse myself and return a few minutes later. A woman in a burlesque costume approaches us and tells me she saw me at the restaurant next door. I then find it kind of odd that this just happened after I come back. Especially, when we have talked about how much I want to get into burlesque.

However, during this entire dating process, which lasted about seven months. Things kept getting weirder and weirder. I caught him in the act of cheating numerous times, yet I over looked it. For whatever reason. It's not like I had a good reason to, not like the sex was amazing. We would make plans, (his idea) then he would forget and surprise me at the last minute, saying he'd forgotten and had made plans with his friends doing something else. He would always talk about how hot he thought my best friend was. I brought it up one day, and he apologized. I am like wtf? He would even tell his friends, in front of me. I swear I am starting to feel like I have the sign that only douche bags can see, that reads: I'm fucking naive, try to date me! He went on a cruise, he would talk about the engagement ring he was going to buy me, saying shit like "eventually when you move in"  I am over here nodding my head, thinking what a fucking retard. Oh well, its over, hes moved on and hopefully isn't acting like an idiot with this girl. Since it's Sunday, and it's time for football, I bid you adieu. GO PANTHERS