It's 3AM I've got my eyes wide shut

What it's like being friends with someone like me. Someone who has PTSD from being in an abusive relationship. One where they were just slapped around, but called names, accused of cheating, told they were ugly, fat, disgusting... and worse of all raped, more times than they can count. It has made me a different person, I now worry constantly, that I am not good enough, that I am fat, disgusting, that no one will ever want me, let alone actually love me for who I am. I cry a lot, way more than I probably should. Hell, I am crying, just writing this. I will almost always cancel plans. This happening to me has made it hard for me to have any relationships. I cannot trust anyone, I get offended easily, I feel that no matter how hard I try, that I will never be good enough. I am a self conscious, beautiful disaster and I want is a normal life. One where I can sleep more than four hour without waking up terrified, screaming and pleading from sleep to not be hurt. Days, where I don't need to drink, just to be able to have peaceful sleep. I want someone who can show me that I really do matter, who can actually love me for me PTSD and all. Because, it's not just some phase I haven't grown out of, it's sadly here to stay.

Not many people know my story. It's something I wish I could tell people and not have to worry about them disliking me for what has happened to me. I used to have a bestfriend that I once confided in, about the relationship that has turned me into who I now am. She told me the next day, she couldn't sleep that night after what I told her. She never looked at me the same after that. Needless to say, we are no longer friends. There is this stigma that follows people like myself around. You tell someone and they become nervous, they worry how you are then going to react. I never dreamt this would happen to me. Nor, would I ever want this to happen to anyone, even my worst enemy.

 I don't want anyone else to ever feel this way. I don't want any other man or woman to be through, what I have. I want to be able to fall madly in love and actually trust them. I want to be able to grow old with someone. Have a family and raise my children to know better. I want anyone out there in any form of abusive relationship to know, that you deserve better. That there is someone out there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. Someone who will buy you flowers just because they are thinking of you, not just because they busted your nose and/or lip the night before. Someone who knows how you take your coffee, knows your favorite color and will do anything to make you smile and laugh. Yes, people like me take a little extra work, but it can be worth it to the right person. I do have the ability to love and that's all I want to do. I'm writing this to help with this stressful day, I am also a little worried due to the person I am actually interested in may read this, as he does have the link to this blog.

I know my readers are more used to my funny date stories, and aren't quite accustomed to me being completely serious. However, it's time I let it all out, rather than continuing to bottle it all up. I hope this also helps my friends who don't understand why I am the way I am..

Now You're Just Somebody That I Used To Know

I am one of those weirdos that have only been in TWO relationships. The first was just some asshole who I ran away with just to escape my mother. Who didn't think that was going to be a horrible idea? Even I knew it was stupid, but yet, I still moved in with the moron after four whole months. We had a quaint little house out in Stallings, North Carolina. If you don't know where that is, don't feel bad, it's even confused about where it is. That story you can read in previous blog posts. However, I thought things had changed once I met my most recent ex. He seemed like a good guy. We both swept right on each other, you know a match made in heaven. Sorry, I almost spit my coffee out when I re read that. We messaged back and forth, finally exchanged numbers. One night I had plans to go out with a group of friends, which I had told this guy. Lets refer to him as... Frodo. Frodo, asked what the plan was for the evening. I told him we would do one of two things.... Either go to Montford, or start off at a bar uptown and head to NoDa. We ended up going to Montford, and I  informed Frodo of our plans. He then told me, if by chance we end up in NoDa to let him know, and he'd meet us out and buy me a drink. Which I agreed.

The night goes on and I once again inform Frodo that I will be staying in the Montford area. We didn't speak the rest of the night. I get home after two AM, and I have a novel of messages from Frodo. Pretty much a drunken banter of how I stood him up and how he opened himself up to meet someone in his neighborhood. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I don't think I even responded. However, I do have the entire thread in my email from the moment we started talking due to some of the context of our conversations. Mainly since he was dating someone when we first met, and he had to tell her about me. Anyways, the next day, I went to the bar my brother and a few of my friends worked to have lunch and a few drinks to tie over the pending hangover. He messages me apologizing and inviting me to lunch that wednesday, which I agreed to. Lunch wasn't bad, we met at a local brewery and talked over flatbread pizza. We had already realized we had a lot of common interest, some he tried later on down the road as his own. Which I corrected really quick. He then invited me on a REAL first date. Which, I wasn't aware of until the day of the date. I found odd, it was almost, like he spoke to my friends and asked them what my favorite restaurant was, and what I would love to do.

So, he picks me up. Once I get in the car, he tells me... I am taking you to something, I think you'd really like, plus, I hope you like mexican! Umm yea, I own a shirt that says, HOLY SHIT, I LOVE TACOS! We start driving and I immediately ask, where we are going and name my favorite place. He says yes. I then say, there is a Big Mama's Show in the area. He says, yea, that's where we are going. In my mind, I am doing a little happy dance and thinking Holy Fuck, this guy my actually get me. At the time I didn't think that it seemed weird, due to the excitement. We finish up dinner and head next door. I am sitting on a stool by the bar and he says, We need a picture together, you know, to see how we look together. He then asks a stranger to take a photo of us. Not at bad photo, however, we weren't really posed for it. After awhile, I tell him this has always been a dream of mine, do perform burlesque. He tells me I should do it, that I am hotter than half the women there. In my mind I am thinking this guy is pretty nifty. I excuse myself and return a few minutes later. A woman in a burlesque costume approaches us and tells me she saw me at the restaurant next door. I then find it kind of odd that this just happened after I come back. Especially, when we have talked about how much I want to get into burlesque.

However, during this entire dating process, which lasted about seven months. Things kept getting weirder and weirder. I caught him in the act of cheating numerous times, yet I over looked it. For whatever reason. It's not like I had a good reason to, not like the sex was amazing. We would make plans, (his idea) then he would forget and surprise me at the last minute, saying he'd forgotten and had made plans with his friends doing something else. He would always talk about how hot he thought my best friend was. I brought it up one day, and he apologized. I am like wtf? He would even tell his friends, in front of me. I swear I am starting to feel like I have the sign that only douche bags can see, that reads: I'm fucking naive, try to date me! He went on a cruise, he would talk about the engagement ring he was going to buy me, saying shit like "eventually when you move in"  I am over here nodding my head, thinking what a fucking retard. Oh well, its over, hes moved on and hopefully isn't acting like an idiot with this girl. Since it's Sunday, and it's time for football, I bid you adieu. GO PANTHERS