It's 3AM I've got my eyes wide shut

What it's like being friends with someone like me. Someone who has PTSD from being in an abusive relationship. One where they were just slapped around, but called names, accused of cheating, told they were ugly, fat, disgusting... and worse of all raped, more times than they can count. It has made me a different person, I now worry constantly, that I am not good enough, that I am fat, disgusting, that no one will ever want me, let alone actually love me for who I am. I cry a lot, way more than I probably should. Hell, I am crying, just writing this. I will almost always cancel plans. This happening to me has made it hard for me to have any relationships. I cannot trust anyone, I get offended easily, I feel that no matter how hard I try, that I will never be good enough. I am a self conscious, beautiful disaster and I want is a normal life. One where I can sleep more than four hour without waking up terrified, screaming and pleading from sleep to not be hurt. Days, where I don't need to drink, just to be able to have peaceful sleep. I want someone who can show me that I really do matter, who can actually love me for me PTSD and all. Because, it's not just some phase I haven't grown out of, it's sadly here to stay.

Not many people know my story. It's something I wish I could tell people and not have to worry about them disliking me for what has happened to me. I used to have a bestfriend that I once confided in, about the relationship that has turned me into who I now am. She told me the next day, she couldn't sleep that night after what I told her. She never looked at me the same after that. Needless to say, we are no longer friends. There is this stigma that follows people like myself around. You tell someone and they become nervous, they worry how you are then going to react. I never dreamt this would happen to me. Nor, would I ever want this to happen to anyone, even my worst enemy.

 I don't want anyone else to ever feel this way. I don't want any other man or woman to be through, what I have. I want to be able to fall madly in love and actually trust them. I want to be able to grow old with someone. Have a family and raise my children to know better. I want anyone out there in any form of abusive relationship to know, that you deserve better. That there is someone out there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. Someone who will buy you flowers just because they are thinking of you, not just because they busted your nose and/or lip the night before. Someone who knows how you take your coffee, knows your favorite color and will do anything to make you smile and laugh. Yes, people like me take a little extra work, but it can be worth it to the right person. I do have the ability to love and that's all I want to do. I'm writing this to help with this stressful day, I am also a little worried due to the person I am actually interested in may read this, as he does have the link to this blog.

I know my readers are more used to my funny date stories, and aren't quite accustomed to me being completely serious. However, it's time I let it all out, rather than continuing to bottle it all up. I hope this also helps my friends who don't understand why I am the way I am..

A memo for today..

Realizing how much pain I am currently in, that has something to do with things that happened in my life 6 years ago. I feel as I should once again, speak out on abuse. If you are ever in a relationship, where you are abused in anyway shape or form, please seek the help you need to leave. You CAN make it on your own, you do NOT need your abuser to survive. Regardless of what they tell you, the gifts you receive. They will trick and brainwash you to stay. The pain doesn't end when you leave, it stays with you for life. This week, I cannot walk, stand, sit, move in any way, without being in excruciating pain. Throughout the day, I cannot decide if I want to cry, or vomit. Because, I was convinced to stay. Convinced that no one else would want me. That I was worthless, ugly, etc. I now, have a daily reminder of what I've been through. A reminder why, no matter how hard I try, I cannot trust. I cannot make a relationship work. My abuser didn't only take my youth, but dented my future as well. If you are being abused, please speak up, call me, call the police, get up and leave. I will happily do what I can to help you. Trust me, after one time, it's not worth any apology, any gift they can give you. Leave, don't look back! You are worth so much, there is someone out there for you, who will treat you as you should. Trust me. I wish I had someone who was there to tell me these things. Rather, I was told "you're lucky someone wants to be with someone like you" so, I stayed. I'm still paying for it.