In the car, I just can't wait.. To pick you up for our very first date...

There are some rules I follow for a first date. One is a big one for me.. That would be NO kissing. Yes, I will hug you upon meeting, please don't at any time during the night try to shove your tongue down my throat. Other girls you have dated may have molested your face, but I am not into that. If it is the end of the night, and the date has gone well on both parts and it's agreed that you both had a stellar time, then one little cheek kiss is understandable. 

I used to have a roommate who would take home every guy she met. I never quite understood that. We would be out, I would be talking to a guy, and she would take him home. I guess for some girls, the guys really do have them at hello. I want to know what you guys really thing of girls who are a little more open on first dates. What do you think of girls like me who don't kiss, or show affection quickly? For me, I don't want to waste my time. Plus, if I don't actually like you, I don't want to send any mixed signals.

It's 3AM I've got my eyes wide shut

What it's like being friends with someone like me. Someone who has PTSD from being in an abusive relationship. One where they were just slapped around, but called names, accused of cheating, told they were ugly, fat, disgusting... and worse of all raped, more times than they can count. It has made me a different person, I now worry constantly, that I am not good enough, that I am fat, disgusting, that no one will ever want me, let alone actually love me for who I am. I cry a lot, way more than I probably should. Hell, I am crying, just writing this. I will almost always cancel plans. This happening to me has made it hard for me to have any relationships. I cannot trust anyone, I get offended easily, I feel that no matter how hard I try, that I will never be good enough. I am a self conscious, beautiful disaster and I want is a normal life. One where I can sleep more than four hour without waking up terrified, screaming and pleading from sleep to not be hurt. Days, where I don't need to drink, just to be able to have peaceful sleep. I want someone who can show me that I really do matter, who can actually love me for me PTSD and all. Because, it's not just some phase I haven't grown out of, it's sadly here to stay.

Not many people know my story. It's something I wish I could tell people and not have to worry about them disliking me for what has happened to me. I used to have a bestfriend that I once confided in, about the relationship that has turned me into who I now am. She told me the next day, she couldn't sleep that night after what I told her. She never looked at me the same after that. Needless to say, we are no longer friends. There is this stigma that follows people like myself around. You tell someone and they become nervous, they worry how you are then going to react. I never dreamt this would happen to me. Nor, would I ever want this to happen to anyone, even my worst enemy.

 I don't want anyone else to ever feel this way. I don't want any other man or woman to be through, what I have. I want to be able to fall madly in love and actually trust them. I want to be able to grow old with someone. Have a family and raise my children to know better. I want anyone out there in any form of abusive relationship to know, that you deserve better. That there is someone out there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. Someone who will buy you flowers just because they are thinking of you, not just because they busted your nose and/or lip the night before. Someone who knows how you take your coffee, knows your favorite color and will do anything to make you smile and laugh. Yes, people like me take a little extra work, but it can be worth it to the right person. I do have the ability to love and that's all I want to do. I'm writing this to help with this stressful day, I am also a little worried due to the person I am actually interested in may read this, as he does have the link to this blog.

I know my readers are more used to my funny date stories, and aren't quite accustomed to me being completely serious. However, it's time I let it all out, rather than continuing to bottle it all up. I hope this also helps my friends who don't understand why I am the way I am..

I was published!!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/amber-helms/2016/12/you-will-remember-me/

Why Do Women Have Orgasms. by iflscience.com

http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/why-do-women-have-orgasms/page-2/

As Days Go By

Sometimes the days seem so long and others so short. Sometimes yesterday feels like such a distant memory and the past doesn't seem real. It seems like only a figment of my imagination. A story my mind made up. Yet, the scars prove the reality of the torture and torment. The dreams cause me to relive, everything I've endured. Dreams that seems so real, that I cannot wake from. A grip so hard it feels so real. Such a reality, I wonder how I have survived this long. Not a day goes by that a memory doesn't materialize. A sadness overcomes and I feel useless and tired. Worn down and overwhelmed. Some days, ending it, seems so easy. It seems like a reasonable answer. I once heard that if you end your life before its time, you are reborn into the same life until you live it correctly. I think, that's what kept me

Here so long. What's kept my feet on the ground. What has kept me from learning to fly. I feel as life should be easier. The days should be easier. Yet, it's not. It's weird how easy it is to forget someone's face who you knew your entire life once they've passed. However, you cannot forget the pain you've been in. 

I wanna rock your gypsy soul

I need to move around a bit. To shuffle my surroundings. To wake up in cities I don’t know my way around and have conversations in languages I cannot entirely comprehend. There is always this tremendous longing in my heart to be lost, to be someplace else, to be far far away from all of this. - Beau Taplin 

I am quite the lucky lady. I have the best friends, a girl could ever ask for. I live in an amazing city, in a great state. Well, minus the politics. I may not have a traditional family, I believe family is who you allow in your life. Who you choose. Growing up in a safe neighborhood, with a tire swing and being able to live. As I am getting older, I realize there is a big world out there, great places that I want to experience, new faces I want to meet. I grew up so shy, I wouldn't do anything. I didn't talk to people, I barely made friends. It took some time to get over that. Now, I want to meet everyone I can. I want to get out there an experience life. I want to pack my bags, grab my dog and hit the road. I want to write about these places and these people. Write about my gypsy life. 

I recently found the above quote from Beau Taplin, it said everything I have always felt, everything I had ever wanted to say. However, others don't seem to understand my way of life. Don't understand, that I need to be free. That I need to wash away my past and start a new life. They don't understand that I am not running away from anything. That no matter where I am, I will always be there for them. In my mind, if we speak at least once a week, you are my friend. You are a part of my life, you have the type of soul that has the right type of fire, even though they may not see it. 

As I am writing this, my eyes are once again tearing up. Not because, I am sad, but because others hate me for the way I feel. It's always discouraged me to change things up. Luckily, those people haven't gone through the same things in life that I have. Haven't dealt with the same anxiety or depression. Anytime I mention wanting to get out, I receive horrible backlash. I never said I hated home. I never said I hated Charlotte. How could you possibly tell someone, who has the Queen City Crown tattooed on their rib, by their heart that they hate Charlotte. It's not like I am saying I am leaving for good. One thing about traveling is, you can always come home. 

So, for those of you who have a problem with my plan, doesn't have to join me, or visit me. You can stay here, where you can live your life however you please. However, judging my choices, will not get you any where. Here's to life, love and the journey.

A memo for today..

Realizing how much pain I am currently in, that has something to do with things that happened in my life 6 years ago. I feel as I should once again, speak out on abuse. If you are ever in a relationship, where you are abused in anyway shape or form, please seek the help you need to leave. You CAN make it on your own, you do NOT need your abuser to survive. Regardless of what they tell you, the gifts you receive. They will trick and brainwash you to stay. The pain doesn't end when you leave, it stays with you for life. This week, I cannot walk, stand, sit, move in any way, without being in excruciating pain. Throughout the day, I cannot decide if I want to cry, or vomit. Because, I was convinced to stay. Convinced that no one else would want me. That I was worthless, ugly, etc. I now, have a daily reminder of what I've been through. A reminder why, no matter how hard I try, I cannot trust. I cannot make a relationship work. My abuser didn't only take my youth, but dented my future as well. If you are being abused, please speak up, call me, call the police, get up and leave. I will happily do what I can to help you. Trust me, after one time, it's not worth any apology, any gift they can give you. Leave, don't look back! You are worth so much, there is someone out there for you, who will treat you as you should. Trust me. I wish I had someone who was there to tell me these things. Rather, I was told "you're lucky someone wants to be with someone like you" so, I stayed. I'm still paying for it.